I was given the name Alexandra Elizabeth Orr the day I was born. I was created in the womb of Dale Elizabeth Holley. I am the seed of Scott Gregory Orr. I was born on February 19, 1989.
I am on the Pisces-Aquarius cusp, the cusp of sensitivity, compassion, and revolution. I feel the weight of the world, I love humanity with an ancient depth, absorb the energies of those around me, and have an all to overwhelming desire to nurture and help people thrive. It’s a heaviness I’ve carried with me since the day I was pushed earthside. A beautiful but messy gift.
As a child, my imagination was immense. I’d spend hours alone, drawing, painting, making jewelry, pasting collages, journaling, dancing, and imagining worlds beyond my own. I enjoyed playing with others but was just fine and at times happier crafting creations in the confines of my room.
My creativity was my best friend. It served me well but also had its shadows. The solace I found through the arts was a lonely and short-lived reprieve. The recognition and praise I received were addicting. The issue was the source of my creativity. I thrived on emotional extremes whether it was mine or that of someone I was taking on as mine. If I didn’t feel something in my bones, I was bored.
I needed the outlandish and outrageous to feel anything. I wanted to go hard, fast, strong, deep over and over again. I built an immunity to anything surface level. I shunned the mundane and rebelled against the average.
I didn’t do this in a, particularly obvious or aggressive way. I internalized a great deal and hid a great deal from family and friends because deep down I did not want to cause pain, concern, or upset in anyone I loved.
I played with drugs, alcohol, reckless behavior, emotionally abusive, and rollercoaster relationships. I put myself in dangerous situations that made me uncomfortable. I hung out with people who pushed the limits. All while maintaining proper grades, showing up for running practice and dance training. I dressed the part, said the right things, smiled, and played nice when I needed to. But, inside I was suffocating.
As college came and went I kept the pendulum swinging. I bungee jumped and scuba dived. I kept finding the relationships and experiences that took me somewhere new. Fly high, dive deep. Float, sink. The highs and lows kept rolling.
I experimented with mind-expanding medicines. I also took the plunge in clean living. I just wanted to feel something immense. Both paths created highs that didn’t last and left me in want of more.
I knew in a way what I wanted to feel was a connection to a greater, larger more intimate energy than I could seem to find in my everyday experiences and relationships. I didn’t have words for it then but what I was searching for was a connection to womb and source.
I was a functioning addict. An addict to extremes and in a way I still am to this day. But, a turning point came when I no longer was able to indulge in extremes. The day I found out I was carrying my first child.
My partner and I had been together for some years when we got married. We went to Peru to hike the Salkantay trail for our honeymoon. On the last day of the trip, we stayed in a hotel on Lake Titicaca to treat ourselves after a week-long hiking journey in extreme elements. What I didn’t know at the time is that Lake Titicaca is considered the sacral chakra and womb of Mother Earth.
It was there we unknowingly conceived our first child, our daughter, Lila. I thought I had a parasite when I got home. I had a bout of sickness after drinking some water that hadn’t been boiled long enough at one point during the hike. I figured my upset stomach when we returned home was an after effect.
I went to the doctor to take a test and was told jokingly that I had another kind of parasite. That was the first day I began treating my body like a temple. I struggled not to be able to escape when I wanted to, not being able to eat, drink, and move how I wanted when I wanted. But, I made it through a healthy pregnancy and birth.
When Lila was a few months old, I again conceived. This time though the pregnancy was unexpected I told myself I wouldn’t spend the pregnancy in any other state but one of connection and intention. My pregnancy and birth with Lila though healthy and was not without struggle. I had a difficult time processing that I was no longer the girl I was before and would never be that person again.
I was now entering motherhood. I could no longer run when I was bored, frustrated, or needed to feel something. It was time I faced myself. It was to commit.
During my birth, I questioned my strength and ability to deliver without medication or assistance. I did end up giving birth vaginally, without medication but it was a delivery full of resistance, fear, and doubt.
I decided my birth with my second child was going to be within my control through my trust in the divine. I accepted that I was now a mother and that my story was unfolding differently than I’d expected but it was still full of magic.
I meditated frequently. I sat in front of my alter and spoke my desired birth out loud. I journaled over and over again how I imagined my birth unfolding. I also chose to accept that if it did not play out how I wanted that it was going to be okay and that my birth would be exactly how it was supposed to be. My body knows what to do.
I accepted my own wisdom, my own power, and my own womb as a vessel of life, magic, and direct connection to source. I accepted that I was the source and that I had a direct line to my ancestors and all of the women who have given birth before and that were giving birth when I was that all I had to do to tap into that connection was close my eyes, go inward and listen.
That realization brought more comfort than I’ve ever experienced. And, my birth unfolded just as I had imagined. My son Asher entered the world that day as the sun streamed through the open windows of my home. After one push he floated up into my arms out of the water I was kneeling in. My loved ones surrounded me, the energy was soft and the music sweet.
My journey back to myself began that day when both my children were earthside when I knew that my womb was and is and will always be sacred. I had a taste of the power I hold within myself that we all hold within our wombs that can be accessed at any time. I realized the extreme I was chasing was and is within my womb.
It is my path now to walk in the way of the Goddess. To remember who I am. How much power I have. How much wisdom I hold. Why I am here and where I am going.
I am on a path to treat my body like a temple not because I’m growing another human but because I believe in my self-worth. I am on a path to help other women remember that all they need lies within their wombs. Whether birthing a child, an idea, or a project, our wombs are a source of sacred magic and knowing.
I am on a path to nourish women by helping them remember their own worth guiding them to see their strength, beauty, resilience, softness, creativity, innate wisdom, and goddess nature. We are all the Goddess. We are all the source. We are all the womb. We came from her, we shall return to her because we are here, we are the Goddess mother.
Published in the Womb Diaries Blog of The Goddess Moves a project by Nicole Pemberton.